They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
