Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
