He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
