Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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