I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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