1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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