I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
