You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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