Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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