u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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