i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
