Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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