the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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