I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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