Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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