I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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