everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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