she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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