Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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