Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
