How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
