Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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