at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
