your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
