My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
