i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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