People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
