Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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