from now on my penis is your penis
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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