I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
