I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
