Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
