good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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