You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
