when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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