I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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