We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
