she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
