No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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