I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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