I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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