Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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