Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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