We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
