Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
