theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
