i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
