Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
