I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
