Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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