My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
