Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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