i wish peter jackson would direct porn
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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