I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize