is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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