My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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