Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
