god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
