i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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